well, twenty pieces, i tried, but i just don't think we're right for each other.

it's not you - it's me.

i think it is an honorable pursuit, 

simplifying

moving focus.

but i'm hoping to do that

without the "rules"

the last couple of years have been ones

of learning who i am

what i like

being free

not to care what people think

to spend money, even.

before, i was afraid to.

but now, i have gone on this journey

of my heart becoming more whole

of discovering who i really am

who he made me to be

what delights me

what is not that important to me.

shopping is not that important to me

never has been.

but before, a part of my - i think, now - false identity

was "i hate shopping".

really, i just didn't like making decisions. 

seeing how i looked in things that didn't fit well.

now as my healing continues,

i am learning to see me and my desires as valid

and i don't have to hide.

that said,

i really enjoyed the journey to deciding not to join the club

i made it down to less than 50 pieces - maybe 40 

(there's like 8 in my sewing pile right now, waiting to see if they're salvageable)

and love that i love everything in my closet!

my favorite part, though, is that

our hangers all match now

it was a little painful

parting with some things

gifts were the hardest, and handmade ones

who knew that i had sentimental value attached to my clothes like that?

i feel lighter

and find myself with this new

"rid the excess" mentality

in most areas of life now

it's a little strange for me

has a little extra twist

since i am a mixed-media artist

that automatically entails that i collect.

i have bins of rusty stuff

and paper and fabric

and even clothes

waiting to be transformed

into something new and beautiful

i hope

so, i guess i just think

now is not the time 

for my heart

i am needing to engage

not detach

be so fully present

as i encounter

the color and texture 

of such a lovely world

and lovely creator

the weird part is

since i've been contemplating this

for so many months

i sort of still feel like i am doing it

joining you

but, while i have a much smaller wardrobe now

and often think about which pieces still "could go"

because they don't necessarily "go with" 

the other stuff

(i had all these caveats in mind: "oh, i need to go shopping before sunday - then it's 2012"... "no shopping, EXCEPT, that one weekend thrifting that my sister gifted me for christmas";
 or "i can't shop, but i can make new things out of what i have stored away", etc.

now i don't need them)

i think he's still taking me on this journey

toward freedom, 

away from shame

and into drinking deeply of beauty

in art, people, clothes, food, nature... 

much love,

jamie

ps. these not-so-subtle notes from kimmy in my christmas present of cute clothes in no way had any bearing on my decision ;)

pps. thank you, jason, for not letting me just "get on board" with this, but instead really seeking to discern where i am being invited... and for joining me in lightening the load, even on your side of the closet!