what i wore yesterday

...and 3 1/2 months ago when we took these original photos that never got posted :) that was before i knew i was pregnant (though the post/pre-baby belly might indicate otherwise ;) it's much bigger now - see the last two pics of me for evidence. i am now halfway through my pregnancy, and we found out last week that it's a BOY! joey's going to have a little brother (and going to be such a good big brother :)

outfit: tank, thrifted; butterflies & pants, target; shoes, thrifted and altered; necklace, handmade from hardware and lace

my "style" while pregnant largely revolves around comfort. all things stretchy take precedence. so these pants & tank & flowy whatever-it-is are PERFECT for these last days before summer heat begins to hit socal! i'm curious to see how things will change post-baby again. currently i look at most of the clothes that i was loving this fall/winter (like this and this and this) and think NO WAY. i never plan to wear that again, simply because at this moment it either doesn't fit, or looks way too uncomfortable. looking through my closet yesterday, i became very tempted to clean out like 75% of it. but i resisted because i know i won't be pregnant forever (even though it feels like it with this lingering sickness!!), and some of those have been my favorite pieces in the past! however, in the process, i did discover that my 50 pieces from the beginning of the year has slowly crept up to 73 (due in part to bringing out the maternity clothes from hiding), but i only wear like 25% of it (hence the temptation to remove the other 75%). maybe i'll get rid of a few... or start wearing less outfits involving sweats being more creative in my wardrobe, even while pregnant. i find that i feel so much more like myself and alive and engaged when i keep being creative - in clothes, too - so maybe i will... maybe i will.

original occasion: hanging out in LA with my love, Jan.5.2012

yesterday's occasion: GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE. we went to chick-fil-a out of necessity (and because it's one of joey's favorite places ever). april.23.2012... 19 1/2 weeks pregnant

and this was the outfit my 2-year-old insisted on wearing - ha! he's gonna have his own "personal style" blog soon ;)

 ps... for those of you who saw me yesterday, and are thinking "that's not what she was wearing!", you are right. that's because i wrote this post last night and just couldn't get the photos to cooperate, so it's not getting posted till today. so don't think i would ever lie to you ;)

i'm here

i breathe in blogged beauty, and i am inspired.   

to write. to let my heart become available once again. be seen.    

loved or rejected, to be me. 

these last few months of silence have been… hard. so much sick, so much tired, so much feeling like i’ve lost my own self in trying to successfully nurture life within and take care of the gifts of man and son i’ve already been given. 

my man, he is wonderful… i call him on his lunch break to let him know how my day has been, and inevitably it sounds like “i’ve been sick, the boy is whiney and driving me crazy, and i can’t get off the couch, much less do the shopping and cooking and cleaning that needs to be done. i can’t even find the energy for a shower.” and his response is all love to my soul. “your job right now is to take care of that baby growing inside and our boy. are they fed? alive? then you’re doing a great job.” 

but they need more than i can give right now and the tears fall more often these days. and in the midst of feeling like i can’t (and should be able to) do it all, that old enemy shame creeps in unnoticed. if i notice, i can take a truth-stand. but it has so many years been the shape of my soul, to know the deeply-something-wrong-with-me feeling, that i so often don’t see it. i’ll notice a day or two (or month) later that i feel disconnected from people, God, life, my own heart. 

these past three months have just been so full of nausea and exhaustion that i rarely find a moment to even take stock, so it builds. 

until some miraculous moment that is God, even when i think it’s not.

like reading comments on a blog post for an hour yesterday that suddenly made me feel less alone. that i’m not crazy. that really engaging my heart with life is the way i can best love Jesus… not the “shoulds”.  even if that looks messy for now.

or what was supposed to be a “romantic comedy” being something else entirely to my heart, honing in on these painful messages of shame that continue to haunt me in the moments i am unaware and leave up no defense; ending up in sobbing tears while folding laundry afterwards, as i remember the woman who could not ask for help, and said to her sister “I’m sorry i make it impossible to love me”…

 or a beautiful post about somebody’s mama that makes me see that being the most me-ish i can be, free and unfettered, is not selfishness, but truly worship of the One who made me that way and delights.

so i come back to my blog, unsure. what it’s about, what it needs to be about, what my heart needs to say… how my words and images can be love to the One and to the ones who need him, too. to connect with the alone-feelers, the shame-fighters, the worshipers, the beauty-delighters, the artists, the recovering perfection-addicts…  

i guess my blog is going to remain a little undefined right now… art? beauty? style? God? maybe. but who i am, my heart experiencing life, really? yes, i think so.