maybe it was bad (or good?) timing...

i brushed my teeth tonight - and flossed, and washed my face!  it's been a couple weeks (maybe three!)... not since i've done those things, but since i've done them in preparation for going to sleep at night. in the name of healthy skin and teeth. it's been three weeks since i've been able to focus on "being healthy". i was cooking healthy and enjoying it, heading out to exercise (and just choosing to move more in general), getting "ready" for bed every night... and then it all went out the window. what happened?? it wasn't a tempting piece of chocolate cake, or laziness, or lack of desire to exercise, which you might think would be the typical culprit. no, it's been a combination of things, but the main two i think are:

1) a lack of time, and
2) emotional upheaval.

just a few days after beginning this venture into health and wholeness and documenting the journey, life got a little crazy! my sister, who lives in Honduras and is getting married there in November, had planned to come to California to get a bunch of the "bridal stuff" out of the way (you know: wedding dress shopping, bridal party outfits, showers, etc.), and my parents were coming from Hawai'i to help (and see us and my getting-too-big-too-fast Joey boy ;).

can you tell she's planning a colorful wedding? we got our invitation in the mail this weekend (after making them with her ;), and it's a little booklet that looks like the very hungry caterpillar - so cute! and bright! she's having her bridesmaids wear one each of these colors - and so we used them as the theme for all the shower food and decor! isn't that panty bunting awesome? loved how it turned out, and it doubled as a gift afterwards, too!)

 so we were expecting a bit of a crazy time. but then, my grandpa died just before they were all coming. so they came earlier, which was awesome! but also crazy! and adding in a funeral and a memorial service and preparations like making slideshows to our already crazy list... so i have not had my usual solitude time, or any real chance to plan these steps toward health (something, it has become clear, that is necessary; make a meal plan, go grocery shopping, decide what classes to head to at the gym, have healthy snacks pre-prepared in the fridge waiting...). my family has been amazing, and so not demanding at all. my sister is NOT a "bridezilla" - she's awesome like that. it's just the general chaos that happens when people are around all the time, trying to figure out myself where to invest my time, and wanting to help, all the while knowing how badly i need "my time"...

which brings me to the second issue: emotional "stuff". i can be making healthy choices, really ENJOYING eating less and better, exercising in ways that delight me (eg. dancing to loud music ;)... but the minute jason and i (or anyone, really) have some kind of argument - a misunderstanding, one of us is hurt, or disappointed - i lose it. i go to immediately feeling "hopeless", and any higher personal goals just disappear in my treading water trying to get back to "okay".  that is such an unhealthy pattern that is so securely entrenched in me. so insecure that as soon as something happens that feels like it questions my worth, i agree wholeheartedly - i am not worth it. and as long as i stay there, i can't successfully focus on health and wholeness. part of why it's "whole"ness, i guess - all aspects of me are so tied together. they all affect each other.

a friend invited me (and joey) over to have lunch with her and her little girls, and was asking me "how it's going"... i had already written most of this post, and was half surprised when she reiterated the truth of my hindrances to healthiness (she being someone to whom healthy living has always come sort of naturally... at least more naturally than me :) so i guess it's more universal than just me! it's hard work. stuff gets in the way. but (now that things have gone back to - somewhat - normal), i've been able to get back to zumba class, and eating better, and brushing my teeth, and even had a great counseling session today. so back on the right path!

i wonder if it really was bad timing starting this just before our world got crazy, or if it was good 'cause it helped me work through some of these barriers early on, so i can recognize them when they start to come up again, later in the process when i might not be feeling so motivated...?